Slap-happy

A coffee shop. Linda and Winston sit alone at a table, each of them with their drinks in front of them. They sit quietly, looking into one another’s eyes. All around them, the rest of the shop bustles with the usual coffee shop activity. 

After staring at each other and saying nothing for a long moment, Linda slowly lifts her hand, draws back, then slaps Winston across the face. Her hand makes contact with his cheek and follows all the way through its arc, causing his head to snap sharply to the side in response. They remain frozen in this finished position for a moment. Then, as if they are both controlled by the same puppetry mechanism, they move as one back into their original positions and sit quietly once again, staring into each other’s eyes.
 
 The other coffee shop patrons take little notice of this event. The only response of any kind comes from a man in glasses and a hooded sweatshirt who is sitting nearby, working away at his laptop with headphones in his ears. He peers over his glasses at them for just a moment, then takes a quick break from his work to tweet “Sitting in a coffeeshop, and this chick just totally smacked a dude. Nobody seemed to notice. Kinda hot.” His tweets appear overhead.
 
Linda and Winston are again staring each other in the face. Winston slowly lifts his hand from the table and draws it back. He holds it there for a moment. Then, as if it’s on a spring release, his arm swings his hand around, slapping Linda in the cheek, knocking her head to the side. They freeze in this finished position for a moment.
 
The man sitting nearby pulls his headphones off and looks around to see if anyone else saw what just happened, but he appears to have been the only one to notice. He tweets, “Whoa! Dude just smacked her back! HARD! And nobody esle noticed!” 
 
As they did before, Linda and Winston slowly return to their starting position, moving as one. They each take a sip of their drink.

Linda lifts her hand once again. The man sitting nearby is now watching them intently. Winston reaches across the table and gently brings Linda’s raised hand back down to the table, shaking his head at her. She’s confused for a moment, then realizes, and lifts her other hand. Winston resumes his position. 

Linda slaps him with the same fluid motions as before, once again knocking his head to the side. 

Again, they freeze for a moment in their post-slap positions, and they once again slip together back into their starting positions.
 
The nearby man tweets “And she slapped him again. Total PDSMA: Public Display of Sado-Masochistic Affection #pdsma”
 
Then he tweets, “My ex slapped me like that once. Right before the best sex we ever had. Which was right before we broke up.”
 
Then he tweets, “I can still feel the sting of her palm striking my cheek. Except not really since I cant remember which side it was.”
 
Then he tweets, “Now that I think about it, she might have just punched me. Can’t quite remember. God, I wonder what she’s doing right now.”
 
He rests his face in his hands like he’s going to cry.
 
Winston raises his hand, the opposite one from what he used before, and readies to slap Linda again. Just as he’s about to swing, Tyler approaches their table. Winston drops his hand quickly.

TYLER

Hey guys!

WINSTON

Oh hey!

TYLER

What’s up?

WINSTON

Not much.

LINDA

Nothing at all. 

WINSTON

Not a damn thing.

LINDA

Just hanging out. Coffee.

WINSTON

Coffee!

TYLER

Coffee. Right.

LINDA

You should get some.

TYLER

I did.

LINDA

Oh cool.

Tyler notices something on Winston’s face. At some point in the next few lines, he grabs his face to look at it closer.

TYLER

What’s that--?

WINSTON

What?

TYLER

On your face.

WINSTON

Nothing. Stop it.

TYLER

Is that a rash?

WINSTON

Stop it!

TYLER

What is that?

WINSTON

It’s nothing.

LINDA

Tyler--

TYLER

It looks like...

He realizes what it is, realizes what is going on, then grabs Linda’s face and examines it. He now has both of their heads in his hands. He looks back and forth at each of them in shock. 

TYLER

I can’t believe this.

WINSTON

Tyler--

TYLER

Both of you?

LINDA

Tyler--

TYLER

How could you?

WINSTON

It’s not like that.

TYLER

Oh no? The two of you aren’t here? With handprints on your faces?

The man nearby has been watching. He tweets, “I am witness to a bizarre love triangle.”

WINSTON

We were just--

TYLER

Just...?

LINDA

Sweetie, don’t be mad.

TYLER

Wouldn’t you be? 

LINDA

Well, sure, but--

WINSTON

We should’ve told you.

LINDA

Yes.

WINSTON

We were just scared.

LINDA

We didn’t know how you’d react.

TYLER

So you kept it secret.

LINDA

We didn’t mean to, really

WINSTON

We just came here for coffee. This--

LINDA

Just sorta happened. 

TYLER

I’m sorry, this is too much.

He turns to go.

LINDA

Tyler, don’t.

WINSTON

Yeah, stay.

LINDA

Would you? We could...

TYLER

All three of us?

LINDA

Sure. Right?

WINSTON

Yes! Totally!

He hesitates, then sits with them. The man nearby is watching intently. He is heavily invested in the outcome. Tyler slowly raises a hand, but then hesitates, looking back and forth from Linda to Winston.

TYLER

I don’t know which--

WINSTON

I don’t think there’s an established protocol.

Tyler faces Winston and slaps him. They all laugh happily. The man sitting nearby is very touched.

TYLER

So now whose?

WINSTON

Take another.

TYLER

Another?

LINDA

Sure.

Tyler turns and slaps Linda. They laugh again.

LINDA

Okay, my turn.

Linda slaps Tyler. Again, they all laugh, very happy. The man nearby chokes up. He starts to tweet, “I just witnessed the most incredible” then deletes it. He tries several more times to compose a tweet, but deletes each one. 

“I just watched love manifest”

“I’m so choked up, I can’t”

“You would not believe what I just”

“My faith in love was just resto”

Finally he gives up on his tweeting and slams his computer shut. He gathers up his things, and with tears in his eyes, approaches the slap-happy trio.

NEARBY MAN

I just wanted....

He breaks into full-fledged crying and flees the scene. They all watch him go.

Blackout, except for the tweet screen, upon which appears, “I just saw something beautiful.”

SCENE

Four years

So it's true: I did not post yesterday. No recollections, fond or otherwise, of some old friend, ancient enemy, impossible crush, wise elder, or anybody else for your perusal. But that, my friends, is because yesterday was the 4th anniversary of the day that my Ash and I swore up and down in front of God and everybody that we would be husband and wife. I had thought I would toss something up here yesterday about it, but you know what I did instead? You know what I did, huh, huh? You'll never guess. I went ahead and used yesterday's free time to actually enjoy celebrating with my wife instead of blogging about the thing I was gonna be celebrating. And I wrote words that were just for her, not for the internets. I still haven't figured out how to do a thing and blog about it at the same time and give both equal attention, though I think it's less my shortcoming and more the lack of available liveblogging direct-from-the-brainwaves dictation technology. Which kinda sucks because my posts always sound better in my head.

But yes, four years of marriage we've made it through. It feels like we've done so much, and yet that timespan, four years, it sounds so short. I'm lucky to have had these years with this woman, and to have the promise of more in front of me. I gots love in my life, and it's a beautiful thing. I wish the same for every one of you.

City of Kindness

The Ash and I watched "Lars and the Real Girl" the other night. If you've seen a preview for it, then you pretty much know the premise. No big surprises or anything. I've kind of been thinking about it off and on ever since the closing credits rolled. It's not so much the quality of the film, although I'd say it's a perfectly fine piece of work. Where I think it really succeeds is the fact that they took this totally ridiculous and yet not so ridiculous premise and really committed to it all the way to the end. Which, of course, wasn't much of a surprise either. But a story isn't just about its ending, it's about how it gets there.

Which reminds me of this friend I had back in college who had this whole thing about watching movies competitively. It was always him vs. the film. Anytime we talked about a specific movie, he loved to brag about how soon he had its ending figured out. As if, by guessing the ending prior to the movie's midpoint, he'd somehow beaten it. Great guy, but he could be an annoying prick that way.

But back to Lars. Here's what really struck me about it: out of all the movies I've watched recently, I'd have to say that this one requires the most suspension of disbelief. See, you've got this guy, this one single solitary guy, who develops some, shall we say, mental issues. But rather than being ostracized by the community, rather than meeting with a reaction of fear-turned-anger-turned-hate, rather than freaking everybody the hell out, the entire community rallies around to protect, support, and care for him in what is obviously a time of need. Not just his family, not just a few nice folks from the church, but everybody. Maybe my vision of humankind is too bleak, but I just don't see that happening.

Which is not to say that I don't think it should happen. I love the idea of a community that exists to support the people out of which it is made, even, or perhaps especially the ones on the fringes. I love the thought of people not getting all bent out of shape when confronted with the fact that someone in their midst has some serious shit going on. Just a simple "these things happen" kind of attitude. Fact is, a lot of people, myself very much included, are usually too wrapped up in their own day-to-day bullshit to be able to pull up and take notice, much less be of use. I tend to think that people like Lars may not always be so lucky in the real world.

And I guess that's what was weird about this movie. Imperfect people in an imperfect world somehow managed to act, well, sort of perfectly. Or at least close to ideal. Idealism sometimes gets a bad rap, as if it is a synonym for naivete, but I don't buy that. I'd love to live in a world that kind.

Feel the love

A good portion of the last two weekends have been spent devoted to the celebratory arts, specifically those of the matrimonial nature, more specifically the marriage of my friends Jeff and Tara.

The wedding was this weekend, but the previous weekend found myself and the lads downtown hoisting multitudes of pints to Jeff's honor. Drinks were bought, backs were slapped, conversations were slurred, etc. I think it's safe to say we celebrated our friend quite soundly.

The next night was the ladies' turn to party, so I had the day to get past my hangover and be ready to take on both the kids solo. I've watched them both on my own before, and I've put each of them down to sleep separately, but I had never before been given the challenge of putting both of them down to sleep without any backup. I'm proud to report that my first evening of putting both kids down was a rousing success. There's nothing quite like getting one of your fatherhood duties right to put a little kick in your step.

And then the wedding. Sadly, The Ash could not attend because she was representing at her niece's wedding, which meant that I didn't get to see everybody fawn over Henry and Simon's matching outfits, nor did I get to see Henry dance his over-sugared little head off. But still, I think I got the better end of the deal. May I just toss out an observation? Weddings are a thousand times more fun when it's friends tying the knot rather than family. Family functions can be enjoyable, sure, but when it's your friends at the center of it, when you're able to celebrate among people you've actually chosen to associate with and your only duty is to be the person they know you to be, well then that's the kind of event where I keep finding myself thinking "Damn! I'm glad I'm here!" over and over and over again. There was a really nice moment near the end of the night where someone decided to get a picture of all the friends in attendance. There were several people who, for whatever reason, were not certain that their social standing among the group merited picture inclusion, but everyone started yelling for them to get their asses into the picture. It was just one of those nights where you could feel the love.

More of this, please

Gee, do they still make wooden Christmas trees?

Last Sunday, Ash informed me that she had just an inkling of a feeling that the baby was going to come that day or the next. The feeling turned out to be nothing, perhaps just a bit of undigested beef or a blot of mustard. Whatever it was, it served the most welcome purpose of nudging us into action to make a push towards getting our recently moved-into house look like a place where civilized members of the human race reside. Of course, we couldn't bring a December baby home to a bare Christmas tree, so part of the day's labor included decorating the tree while our VCR performed its single solitary annual duty of playing my VHS copy of A Charlie Brown Christmas. I decorated while Henry tried to stick himself with hooks. Afterwards, we managed to unpack a fair amount of boxes and put some stuff away. The place is downright cozy and livable, not to mention Christmasy.

I've gone to work every day this week, always halfway expecting to get the call. I forgot my cell phone one day, so I was just absolutely certain that labor would begin while I was in a meeting. It probably goes without saying that my brain is halfway checked out of the workplace. I'm still getting things done and checking things off of my list (hi boss!). I've even managed to wrap a few things up before I take the rest of my vacation days that I have saved up for the year (I refuse to use the term "paternity leave" since that would imply that I'm talking about some special kind of leave that is set aside just for new parents and which is actually possible for people who rely on a paycheck). But in reality, my brain is mostly elsewhere. This isn't so unusual in the holiday season, but with a new biscuit on the way, it's amazing I remember my work PC's password.

It seems that when I'm in this "checked out" mode, my randomness factor increases a bit. Case in point: I was sitting in a meeting room waiting for, what else, a meeting to start. And out of nowhere, I just started singing. Exactly what did I sing, you ask? Well, the purpose of the meeting was to review software requirements documentation written by one of my coworkers whose name is Julius, so naturally I sang:

Half of what we'll say in this meeting will be meaningless
But we'll say it just to make your documentation better Juuuuuuuliuuuus.

This, of course, was met with stone silence. As it should have been.

Tonight, we spent another evening at Ashley's folks' place. With family coming in for the holidays and rallying around their dying relative, their place has been pretty packed lately. Henry loves all of this. He, for one, would be totally down with everybody going over to Grandma's house every single night of the week. One of the many beautiful things about this little boy is just how much he loves His People. That includes his family, his friends, his parents' friends, just everybody who's around. He just talks about all of them all of the time. If he knows you, he loves you. It gives me some hope for the future, that the feelings he'll have for the baby that will be his little brother will be warm ones.

In your Jesus Christ meme

Tag. I'm it. It would appear that the Island Girl has tagged me to take part in the Jesus Christ meme. My mission, should I choose to accept it, is to name and explain five things that I dig about Jesus, Jesus Christ, Jesus H. Christ, or whichever name you prefer to call him by. And since I haven't rambled about religion and theology in a while, this seemed like a good excuse to do so. I'll just warn you right now, this will probably get rather long-winded.

So many directions to go with this one. Both my smartass side and my *ahem* serious side would like to weigh in. Take it easy fellas, you'll each get your turn....maybe. I guess if you were to categorize my relationship with Christianity, with religion in general, it would fall into the "love/hate" box, right alongside technology and Starbuck's. I find a great deal of beauty in a lot of the things that Christianity stands for...love, compassion, kindness, peace, etc. etc. But like many, I'm also turned off by the evil that has been and continues to be accomplished under its banner. But Jesus, and figures like him throughout the ages, are inspiring to me. They were the ones to face down those who would do evil in the name of something good, the ones who called for unity where most were looking for reasons to be divided, the ones who included all those that the world excluded.

Anyway, without further ado, here's a few things about Jesus found particularly appealing by an ex-Baptist ex-cult member semi-agnostic Episcopalian infrequent church attendee kinda into Buddhism current seminary student. Hmm. I don't seem to make much sense.

#1 - Blessed are the peacemakers - in word and deed, Jesus's message was always that peace was the way. Had he wanted to, he likely could have gathered together enough disgruntled followers to stage some kind of violent coup against the local Roman authorities. Of course, it would have certainly been quelled with brutal efficiency as Romans weren't known for fucking around, not in that sense anyway. Instead, he managed to leave behind a message and an example that has inspired many to combat violence and oppression with peace and understanding. It is unthinkable to me that somebody could claim to be a Christian and think that doing violence to another human being is right.

#2 - Love your neighbor as yourself - love in our culture is often categorized, compartmentalized, and placed into neat little color-coded boxes. You have your romantic love, your love between family members, parents and children, friends. And all these things are beautiful and real and part of life, but Jesus also talked about a type of love that extends beyond that, that is not myopic in its scope, and takes into account those who we don't know, those outside of our circle, our experience. He even went so far as to say that we should love our enemies rather than get caught up in hatred for them. On top of that, I think he understood the necessity of being able to love yourself. After all, you can't love anybody very well if you hate yourself.

#3 - Enigmatic storyteller - some of Jesus's parables are pretty straightforward, but others were less so. They kind of leave the hearer thinking, wondering, not necessarily spoon-feeding everything to you. It was as if he wanted people to think about what he'd said and draw their own conclusions.

#4 - Had love for the ghetto - or more to the point, the people living in it. He came from poor people, he spent a lot of time with poor people, seeming almost to favor their company, so much so that it's enough to make one wonder if perhaps he wasn't a bit suspicious of those with wealth and power.

#5 - Valued children in a time when they were nothing - children in Jesus's time were not particularly valued or protected the way they are today. They were free to be sold, enslaved, beaten, killed. They meant nothing. But he valued them. And that's cool.

One thing I almost included in this list was that, like many of the greats, Jesus was misunderstood, but really that's not something I actually dig. I mean, it may be cool for an artist to be misunderstood, but misunderstandings of Jesus, be they willful or otherwise, have led to tragic results. That could be its own dozen posts, hell its own blog...probably already is.

So there you have it, five things that I dig about Jesus, based on my understanding of him. Oh, and let us not forget about his totally awesome blog. Every time I see the title of his blog in my Google reader, I get that Soundgarden song "Jesus Christ Pose" stuck in my head, except the Chris Cornell in my head replaces the word "pose" with "blog."

Love is nothing like they say

It's been said about a trillion different ways by a bajillion different people that life is meaningless without love. For my part, I'm finding that even in my most cynical fuck-the-world-and-the-SUV-it-rode-in-on moments, this is a sentiment I still believe in with all the capacity I have to believe in anything. I suppose that in one way or another, I've always believed it, though I probably wouldn't have phrased it as such when I was younger. I think the world would be a better place if there was more love lost between people, not just between lovers and family and friends, but between neighbors and community members, between people passing on the sidewalk, between shoppers in the grocery store, between all the hungover folks waiting for the host to call their names to be seated for breakfast, between vastly disparate groups that history dictates should not get along, and even (or perhaps especially) between strangers. I believe there are means to express loving regard for others in all these relationships. Just as kind words and affectionate behavior are expressions of love between intimates, I believe justice and empathy are just two of the ways that love is expressed in the social sphere of life, even if it is for people you will never lay eyes on or with whom you do not share a common language. In that sense, I suppose you could say that working for justice is a labor of love, as is attempting to understand the circumstances of those who are very different from us in an attempt to get a glimpse of the way the world looks through their eyes. Like I said at the beginning of this post, I believe that it is being on the giving and receiving ends of these expressions that makes life worth living.

There is more to this, but that's all I've got for the moment. Love to you and yours.