Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Crazy Shit

The day after Christmas, the Ash and I were fortunate enough to have a healthy dose of gifted cash burning a hole out of our collective pocket. Rather than let it escape into the hands of unworthy creditors, we decided to channel it into the coffers of a certain retail furniture establishment known for its flat-packed efficiency and myriad solutions for modern living. Having in mind that we would likely be buying something large in size, we borrowed the minivan owned and operated by Ash’s folks. Though a modern enough vehicle, it has no auxiliary input, which meant that the music on our iPhones was inaccessible, music that we carry around with us so that we won’t have to haul CD’s everywhere, which is why we had no CD’s with us, which is how we came to be listening to the radio. All the stations in town must have held a meeting wherein they conspired to play pure crap during this particular hour of the day, so we somehow ended up listening to a public access station that was broadcasting an interview with a British-sounding gentleman about his plans to clone Jesus Christ. Yeah, that one. Dude wasn’t kidding either. He had the whole thing worked out. It was too bizarre to turn off. Don’t ask me for specifics of his plan, I’m not the crazy British guy with the messiah clone plan, I’m just a guy who was riding in a van on his way to the local efficient living solutions outpost. He did mention hover-donkeys, I remember that much. The interviewer asked if he thought Jesus would be freaked out by the modern world and cars and stuff, and the guy said yes, cars would probably freak Jesus out, but we could explain to him that they’re basically like hover-donkeys. I think he was making an attempt at a joke, but when you’re talking seriously about cloning Jesus Christ, how can the rest of us be expected to know when you’re just kidding around?

For once, I didn’t feel ridiculous about constantly questioning what the hell I’m doing with my life.

People do this, you know. Spend their lives pursuing crazy shit. Sometimes that crazy shit works out and we get stuff like rocket ships and light bulbs. Other times, the crazy shit is completely wrong and ridiculous and you end up with people thinking vaccines cause autism or creationist museums. Or even worse, you get evil crazy shit. I’m looking at you, Hitler.

I know, I’m making the assumption that Jesus clone guy is going to fail. It could be that I’m just one of many millions of naysayers whose naysays will be waylaid when this dude brings about the second coming in his lab. I can live with that.

2009 has been the year I started learning to quit worrying about God. I dropped out of seminary in June, a move that felt as right as the decision to enter in the first place. I can’t quite call myself an atheist now, but I can say that I’m through chasing after a connection to this invisible whatever that I thought I had at one time. Maybe I did have such a tie at some point, or maybe I just had a certain set of chemicals processing through my nervous system that I interpreted as feeling spiritual. Or maybe both. Since then, I’ve felt as unburdened as I have disoriented. Either way, I’m done with trying to find a way to believe in something that all my senses tell me just isn’t there. And while it might seem to be a position of indecision, it feels pretty good from here.

Now hover-donkeys, on the other hand, I can believe in.

Happy New Year, All. 

Tuesday, December 15, 2009


Shaolin shadowboxing,


and the Wu-Tang sword style.


If what you say is true, the Shaolin and the Wu-Tang could be dangerous.

“The hell?”

Do you think your Wu-Tang sword can defeat me?

That’s the kind of question that pulls you out of your sleep, especially when you haven’t the faintest idea who’s asking it. It was then that I rolled over to find the almost-two year old, my almost-two year old, sitting on the floor next to the bed holding my swiss army phone. He had pulled up the iPod and found his way to the Wu-Tang Clan’s 36 Chambers album, and hit play on track 1, “Bring Da Ruckus,” which opens with the dialogue sample above. He smiled up at me, overjoyed either by his own cleverness or by the fact that I was awake.

This was how I started that day.

We only just switched the little guy from his elevated cage of a crib to a toddler bed that he can easily climb in and out of. Actually, it had gotten to the point where climbing in and out of his crib was only a slightly greater challenge for him. We had this silly notion that when he woke up in the morning, he would enjoy being able to climb out of bed and play with his toys while we slept soundly. This vision has not yet manifested itself in our reality. Instead, he’s developed this pattern where he toddles downstairs to our room, walks his little self all the way around the bed to my side, and climbs in with me. He brings Cookie Monster too. He wiggles and talks and makes with all manner of the cuteness, which is nifty and all, but it brings the sleeping part of bed occupancy to an end. Apparently, he likes his parents better than his toys. Which is just goddamn inconvenient.

Protective helicopter parent that I am, I snatched the phone out of his little hands before The RZA began shouting for somebody to bring the mothafuckin ruckus. Not sure who he’s talking to, but he really wants them to get on with this ruckus bringing business.

The second night he was in the new bed, The Ash awoke to the sound of a repetitive clicking noise somewhere in the house. Just imagine that. Dark house, middle of the night. All is quiet save the hum of the baby monitor, and somewhere across the house, She followed it out of our bedroom, past eldest’s room, through the living and the dining where she found the little guy standing at the door that leads out to the garage, locking and unlocking the knob-lock. Had the deadbolt not been set, he’d have wandered into the garage where we would still be searching for him in all the accumulated debris.

I wonder what he thought about as he wandered through the house in the dark, unmonitored. I’m free! Free! I have vague memories of being little and wandering around the house at night. I remember doing that at my grandparent’s enormous house and feeling like I was really up to something dangerous, even though I never set foot outside. Freedom is relative, I guess. And the little guy just acquired a wee bit more.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Oh Right

I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what this blog is or what it’s for. I don’t know why I keep it. It’s like the legal pad on my desk that I don’t throw away because it still has a few blank sheets of paper on it, and I might need to....write something down. Writing things down is dumb. They’re just gonna mean something different the next time you read them.

Like I’ve got this list of writing ideas that I keep, and this one thing I have in there is “God is a woman who masturbates.” I read that the other day and had not the slightest idea what I was thinking when I wrote that down. I remembered it eventually, and liked it all over again, so I guess that’s good.

I don’t want to write anymore. By which I mean, all I want to do is write. You wouldn’t know it by the unupdated state of this blogosaur, would you? All my writing energy lately has gone into thoughts of werewolves. And how people cope when shit all goes to shit. And hip-hop. And how the world can be all but unrecognizable after just a dozen or so years of being its ever-changing self. The 90’s. The 60’s. Tehran. Protests. Guilt. Knowlege of self. What feeds into all of our choices, stupid and otherwise. Forgiveness. Your memory will trick you. Don’t trust it.

I’m in a mood. I’m stressed about Christmas. People complain too much.

I found Ashley at the top of the stairs the other night, down on her knees, holding her head and crying. In the split second before I asked her what was wrong, a million scenarios went through my head to explain the sight before me. It turns out that Simon had headbutted her extraordinarily hard with the back of his skull. He’s had no training, he’s just nuts. She’s okay now, I think.

I come to a library at my lunch time to write. I used to sometimes go to Starbuck’s because it’s close to my office, but I hated having to pay for a drink just to hang out and not have free internet, so I come here, to the library, where I am now. I was writing this rap song the other day and got all self-conscious that some old person was reading over my shoulder, which of course they weren’t because old people can’t see. So I make an effort to occupy a spot where people can’t easily get behind me. I don’t know that I’ve generated anything I would want on a stage yet. So much has changed since 2004. I tend to like the people at the library better than the ones at Starbuck’s. Which is to say, my silent subconscious judgements of them are not as harsh.

I was writing at Genuine Joe’s a while back, sitting outside before it got all crazy cold, and some guy was gunning his stupid motorcycle, and I wanted to beat him with a bat. The kind used for baseball. How many cracks does it take to get to the human head center of a motorcycle helmet?

Maybe I shouldn’t put that on the internet. Fuck it, nobody reads this shit.

My youngest child is nuts. Out of his mind cavedog crazy. I realized recently that I spend so much time just trying to keep him from destroying himself and everything around him that I end up paying less attention to my eldest, who is usually not destroying anything. It’s like the Prodigal Son, right? He goes off on a bender while his brother stays and acts like the good son. But which one is bitter at the end of it? 

Let’s wrap this mess up with a grainy nighttime camera-phone picture: