I am so very filled with remorse that we missed your birthday party, for of course there was to be beer, and you are one of my favorite people to drink beer with. When I first met you back in college, I knew you only as "Anna's boyfriend from out of town." We bonded one night when we teamed up to pee on that motorcycle to express our distaste for its atrociously rude parking job. You don't just pee on a motorcycle together and walk away from it unchanged. This is how alliances are formed.