See how I did that? See how I mixed a cuss word in there with that confession in my title? As if to let you know, "Yeah, I might be vulnerable sometimes, but I can use profanity so I'm obviously still tough." Wasn't that sneaky of me? See how now I'm pointing out what I did, as if to let you know that I'm perfectly aware of the subtle ways in which I manipulate you, and that I've got tons of these cheap little writer tricks I can just whip out at any time? See how I'm stopping now before it becomes unbearable?
Man, I am good.
See, after dragging my ass outta bed, through a shower, into some clothes, out to the car, and onto the road to work, I heard that Everclear song "Father of Mine" on the radio. I've never been a fan of these Everclear guys. Their music's just never done much for me, and plus when they came out, the riffage just wasn't enough to satisfy the guitar snob that I was back then...and I guess still sorta am today. But this song always stuck with me since I could so easily relate to it. I know this song is an honest piece of work because I am that kid, and every bit of it rings true. The only difference between me and this guy is that I don't remember the time when my dad was around because he was gone by the time I started forging what is now my conscious memory. I didn't have a kid of my own when I first heard this song, but I could always understand the part at the end where he sings about swearing that he'll never abandon his child. From as far back as I can remember, from the first time I ever considered what it would be like to have kids, I've always known that being a good dad was going to be a high priority for me.
So this song is playing on the radio, and I'm pretty sure it's the first time I've heard it since Henry was born, and I start thinking about how many guys out there have walked away from being parents, and the idea of even thinking about doing something like that, of leaving Henry and his mom, it just made me feel ill. I have my theories about why my dad left, and I've long since forgiven him, but still, I can't even imaging doing that. I can't imagine living with it, what that does to you, to your soul. I thought about how sometimes Henry cries when I walk out the door, and how he always lights up when I get home. I thought about how many kids have lost their dads in Iraq. I just thought about all this sad shit and it made me feel like goddamn bawling. Plus I was going to work, so that was sad.
I made it into work and did my time and now I'm home again and the little dude is asleep. This family thing...sometimes it makes me crazy, but I don't want to be without it.