Monday, March 14, 2005

In the beginning...

...there was blog and the word was with blog and the word was blog...okay so I'm starting the first entry of my first blog on my first very own personal website with a lame book of Genesis joke, but whatever. Who reads the first entry in a blog anyway?

So I won't treat this quite as an introduction, you can find that in the About Holmes section if you're interested. Let me use this more as a record of my place in the world of the right now. Right now...oh crap, I was about to say something like "Right now, {insert observation about the world here}" and then I was gonna follow it with "Right now, {insert another such observation here}." And then I realized that I was accidentaly about to reference a corny Van Halen song, and not even the song really, but the video. You remember it, the song appropriately titled "Right Now" and they kept showing images of stuff happening and words would flash on the screen saying profound things like "Right now, a kitten needs a home" and "Right now, someone's grandmother is faking an orgasm." Sammy Hagar sang it? David Lee Roth didn't? There was some sort of rivalry between them? Remember? No? Good, me neither, we got more important shit to worry about, and anyway, I caught myself and I'm not gonna make the aforementioned reference. Or did I do it and then realize what I'd done and go back and edit?

ANYWAY, back to the here and now. It's 2005. I'm almost 30. And in spite of the ugly place that the world is in and the ugly places that it seems to be going, I sit here and type and I feel a weird kind of optimism that I haven't felt in a while. It's that feeling of possibility, that realization, or rather in my case now, that remembrance of the fact that there are possibilities out there. I think I had allowed myself to forget the fact that my life was my own and that I could, you know, DO stuff with it. Perhaps that's part of what this little site here is about, a little corner of the web where I can just, yeah, do stuff. Whatever. Whenever. What prompted this personal little renaissance is a combination of events and occurances and cross-breezes and encounters too complex to go into detail about at the moment, but I'll just out and say that one major factor is the fact that I will soon be a father. Soon being in about 7 months. My wife and I have our first visit to the doctor tomorrow. I've always kind of suspected that I wanted to be a dad. I never had a father of my own, which contributed to making me want to be a really good one myself. Thing is, now that it's actually happening, now that my wife actually has the tiny beginnings of a human life forming inside of her, only now do I realize just how much I want it. Funny, you spend your college years and early twenties scared to death of knocking a chick up...then you decide to commence with the up-knockin' and you realize that it ain't always as easy as they'd have you think. Suddenly those movies where some chick has sex with a guy one time and oops she's pregnant seem really stupid. My favorite variation on that theme is where the hero and the heroine get together through insurmountable odds, have sex once, then he dies but she's carrying his baby. What-the-fuck-EVER. But Hollywood aside, what I'm saying is that I want this. I want to be a father. I want it as badly as I've ever wanted anything ever ever. As bad as I wanted a Millenium Falcon. As bad as I wanted an electric guitar. As bad as I ever wanted any girl I might have ever had a crush on to like me.

And before you get bored with my gushing over fatherhood and say "fuck this" and go back to looking for a new job or new porn or a free iPod let me just say...well actually, go ahead and do whatever you want, I'm gonna write it anyway...but what I'm saying is that with this fresh hint of optimism, I feel like the most welcome pressure has descended upon me. Not pressure in the sense of "oh shit I have to get this project done or I'm going to get fired and then how will I afford to live the lavish lifestyle that I have grown so accustomed to." No, I'm talking about the feeling that comes with realizing that you are not stuck. You're not trapped. If there's something in your life that is not making you happy, you can change it. And the pressure comes from the fact that I realize that since I can do something, I must do something. And I will. I am. Funny, I think I spent a lot of years dreading parenthood as some kind of trap, but now that it's on its way, I feel freer than ever. We'll see what happens

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