Carvings of Tenderness

I recently had to get a new wedding ring. No, I didn't lose my old one. Ya see, as of this writing, your friendly neighborhood Holmes is significantly lighter than he was when he and the Ash got married. And apparently, some of that weight came right out of me fingas. I woke up one morning and found that I could dial a phone without the aid of my specially crafted dialing wand, which was great, but I also found that my fingers were too small to keep my wedding ring captive any longer. And resizing was out because it had this design on it that jewelers weren't willing to fuck with.

So now I've got this nifty new ring that the Ash picked out for me. It's much simpler in design, but I'm finding that I like it better than the old one. Maybe it's just the fact that it fits, and I can suddenly point at things without fear of my ring flying off in the direction of my finger.

Ash happened to mention in passing that the jeweler offered to engrave it for her, but she didn't go for it because she couldn't think of anything to say that wasn't outrageously corny. I think pretty much anything sounds outrageously corny when it's carved into a hard substance like metal or marble. Corny or else really profound. Perhaps both. Anyway, what follows here is my dramatic textual interpretation of exactly how the transaction would have gone down had Ash gone on and had them do the engraving.

Until The End of Eternity, Which is by Definition Eternal and Therefore Neverending, So Forever

by T. Amon Holmes

A jewelry store. Paula, a 40-something lady who favors silver and turquoise, is wrapping up the sale of a man's matrimonial band to Ash.

PAULA: And would you like to get it engraved?

ASHLEY: Engraved you say?

PAULA: That's where they cut letters into the ring to spell out a special message of love and sweetness.

ASHLEY: Is that what it is?

PAULA: Uh-huh. A special message for all eternity. And it's free.

ASHLEY: Free engraving?

PAULA: Done while you wait.

ASHLEY: Free engraving done while I wait. Quite an establishment you're running here Paula.

PAULA: So you'll do it?

ASHLEY: Sure. Why not?

PAULA: Wonderful! Here, write down on this card what you would like it to say. Be sure to check your spelling.

Ash commences to writing, taking her time, periodically stopping to think, scratch something out, then write some more. Paula goes about rearranging the odd animal statues on the shelves into pleasing scenes, imagining to herself the conversations to be had between the young beagle and the bald eagle or the fox and the buffalo.

ASHLEY: Can I have another one?

PAULA: Another what?

ASHLEY: Card?

PAULA: What's wrong with that one?

ASHLEY: I wrote all over it.

PAULA: Well, I'm not really supposed to do this, but....okay. (makes sure nobody is looking and slips Ashley another card) But that's the last one. No more after that.

ASHLEY: Okay.

PAULA: Don't write anything down until you're sure what you want to say.

ASHLEY: Okay.

Paula goes back to arranging her animals. Ash thinks for a moment, then begins writing, not stopping or scratching anything out, writing continuously for a long time until she's done. She inspects her work, quite pleased.

ASHLEY: Allrighty Miss Paula. Here you go.

PAULA: Well let's see here. (Takes the card and reads. Shows surprise, then shock, then becomes aghast). Oh dear me. Oh dear ooooohhh dear.

ASHLEY: Are you okay?

PAULA: Oh dear. Ooooh dear me, no. No no no. We can't, oh no. We can't do this.

ASHLEY: What's the matter?

PAULA: (Pulls herself together) Mrs. Holmes, I'm afraid that we simply cannot engrave this particular message in its current form onto your husband's ring. (Hands card back to Ashley).

ASHLEY: Why not?

PAULA: Well it, uh, clearly there are certain, uh...

ASHLEY: What's the problem?

PAULA: Surely I don't have to spell it out for you?

ASHLEY: (looks at her card again) I don't get it. This is what I want engraved on my husband's ring.

PAULA: Well, you can't.

ASHLEY: Why not?

PAULA: Why do you think?

ASHLEY: I don't know! You won't tell me!

PAULA: Well it's pretty obvious, don't you think?

ASHLEY: (reads her card out loud) "From the dawn of existence until the end of eternity, in this life and beyond, whither we meet at the gates of Heaven or in the black fires of Hell, thou art mine always, from the core of thine soul to the tip of thine cock." So?

PAULA: (Increasingly upset) So?

ASHLEY: So? What's the goddamn problem?

PAULA: I have to tell you?

ASHLEY: Yes!

PAULA: It's too long!

Pause.

ASHLEY: Oh. Okay. Well how about just "Your cock is mine?"

PAULA: Perfect!

the end