There is an annoyance buzzing around inside of me that I can't quite put my finger on...actually, that's not entirely true. I can put my finger on it. I can get a whole goddamn hand on it, in fact. I can see it resting there on one of my ribs, third from the bottom on the right, and I can deftly bring my hand around in a sweeping arc and !POW! catch that pesky little fucker under my encupped palm.
I am speaking, of course, of the G.I. Joe movie that's coming out this summer.
The problem, of course, is that once I've caught the idea of the G.I. Joe movie under my great big man hand and pinned it against my rib, the annoyance that it creates for me doesn't just go away. Wouldn't it be awesome if problems just went away once you isolated them? Because I can still feel it buzzing around under my hand, and it kind of tickles. And I swear I can hear...it sounds like...oh my fuck, am I hearing words? Is the idea of the G.I. Joe movie that's coming out this summer trying to say something to me? I lean my head down closer, as close as I can possible get it to my third rib on the right, and open my palm just a tiny crack.
"What is it, idea of the G.I. Joe movie that's coming out this summer?"
And it says to me, "Hey, what's your problem, man?"
So I says to it, "Hey, you're my problem, buddy. You bug me. You rub me the wrong way. I don't like the cut of your jib."
And I think that's the end of it, but before I can seal his prison again, he asks the question: "But why?"
And I scoff, of course, because that is what I do when asked questions that have answers that I think should be obvious, except that it is in that very moment of scoffitude that I realize that I don't have a good answer on the ready set, so my scoff rings false in my ears, and I am certain that the idea of the G.I. Joe movie that is coming out this summer can hear the fake and the phony in my scoff, and it knows that I have no real case against it. And in this moment of doubt, the idea of the G.I. Joe movie that is coming out this summer slips between my fingers and continues buzzing around my innards.
Before we continue this nonsense, how about a trailer:
Must all action movie trailers have that vaguely Limp Bizkit-esque rap-metalish soundtrack thing going on? Must the world continue to provide sustenance to the makers of such music? At this point, isn't it just some bored hipster with a Macbook Pro?
But back to the question posed to me by the idea of the G.I. Joe movie that is coming out this summer. Why does it annoy me so? Did I not play with G.I. Joe toys when I was a wee lad? And have I not found great excitement at the prospect of the moviefication of so many other staples of my youth? Have I not welcomed with open arms the film adaptations of so many other comic franchises? What exactly is it about the idea of the G.I. Joe movie that is coming out this summer that has me so perturbed? Why do I shake and shudder with rage every time I think about it?
Because there is just something about it that screams BAD IDEA to me. Not bad idea in that it won't make an assload of money, because it probably will. Not bad idea in that the world doesn't need to see two ninjas battling it out, because it does, it absolutely does. Just bad idea in that...AAGGHH there's that goddamn wall again.
Allow me to articulate further: I can't articulate it. I can't quite figure out why the idea of the G.I. Joe movie that is coming out this summer pisses me off so. I can't just say "because it's violent" because there are plenty of violent movies that I dig. In fact, there are plenty of movies that I dig precisely because of their artfully done violence. The sauna fight scene in "Eastern Promises" goes down in my book as one of the most ass-kickin'est bits of ass kicking I've ever seen. What would "Fight Club" be without all them busted-up faces? Would "The Matrix" be any fun without all those guns? Would "Million Dollar Baby" be nearly as interesting if you didn't get to watch Hillary Swank beat so much ass? Oh, and of course, every John Woo film ever fucking made.
So it eludes me. Did I use that word right? There's elude and allude...yeah, I think that's right. Anyhow. Here's a bullet point list of the things related to my annoyance with the idea of the G.I. Joe movie that's coming out this summer. Somewhere in here is a single sentence that ties it all together.
- The United States has had a significant percentage of its armed forces deployed in war zones for almost six years now. Said deployment has incurred many costs to our nation, among them thousands of lives, millions of dollars, the physical and mental health of I-don't-know-how-many soldiers, the stability of numerous military families, and on and on.
- The G.I. Joe unit portrayed in the idea of the G.I. Joe movie that is coming out this summer is some kind of covert answer-to-nobody unit. This somehow adds to their badass mystique. The previous administration liked to hire outfits like this to handle various security tasks. I don't know if they had any ninjas, but they sounded like bigtime fuckups from all the news I heard.
- From the look of the trailer, it looks like France is the primary target of a terrorist attack, an attack which is responded to by covert U.S. forces. To my knowledge, my bloodline is not significantly French, but I still get annoyed when the French are portrayed as pansies, for the fuck-you-ity of the French simply cannot be denied.
- There is a chance that this film is using the G.I. Joe characters and backstory to create a covert-ops movie for 2009, one that is fully aware of everything I've said above, and will tell a story that is brilliant and captivating, which has no real good or bad guys, but still has several very hot women and two very awesome ninjas. In that case, I'm even further annoyed because I got all worked up.
I have a feeling I will end up seeing the G.I. Joe movie that is coming out this summer. But only at a theater that serves alcohol and chicken wings. Because that is the only way to watch G.I. Joe, or any other movie. And now you know, and knowing is half the battle.