Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Pissy Epistle

Dear Neighborhood Power Walker Guy,

I don't mean to come off as defensive, but what was that look on your face this morning? You know the one I'm talking about. You'll recall, I was the handsome fellow coming out of his house, 100 pound baby-loaded carseat in one hand, travel mug in the other, diaper bag over my shoulder, toddler out in front heading for the vehicle that you undoubtedly heard him insisting was "his car." And of course, you'll remember how I used the baby's carseat to prop the screen door open while I locked the front door, after which I chased down the elder child. Don't try to tell me you don't remember. The human brain is incapable of simply forgetting such images of controlled chaos. Perhaps you also noticed that one of my arms is slightly longer than the other due to its being slowly wrenched out of socket by repeated carries of aforementioned carseat. I would switch arms more often, but the morning routine has to be completed a certain way, lest chaos ensue. And you wouldn't want that, would you? Or would you? I'm not so sure I like the cut of your jib, Neighborhood Power Walker Guy.

Ah, so you do remember. Good. Now we're getting somewhere.

So answer me then, what was that look all about? Don't act like you don't know what I mean. It belittles us both. You were walking by at a vigorous speed in a manner which closely approximated athleticism. You looked in my direction, assessed my situation, at which point you made eye contact, squinted, smiled, and then looked away. Look, assess, squint, smile. What the hell was that all about?!?!

Seriously NPWG, I don't mean to come off as some kind of over-analyzing psychopath, but what did you intend to convey with that whole routine? What thoughts brimmed behind those beady squinted eyes? And I don't want to hear any of this noise about how you were just trying to keep your heart rate up. I know a look when I see one, and I'm telling you NPWG, that was a look. You gave yourself away with the squint.

Oh come off it! Quit acting so FUCKING INNOCENT!

Okay NPWG, you wanna play it that way? Fine. Be my guest, tough guy. But I'll be coming out of my house again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day. The day after that is Saturday, so I probably won't be coming out until later, but I think you get my drift. We'll see who's squinting then.

Cordially,
Your Neighbor

6 comments:

yer mama said...

Oh I know that guy. He looks and tries to avoid eye contact when I am outside wasting precious resources by watering the jasmine.

He looks and judges. He is one of those types that believes his use of the power walk and the city bus declares his moral superiority.

He clearly disapproves of our breeder lifestyle.

Tara said...

I think that he's just ashamed, because although he can out walk most of us, he has very weak arms. He is envious of the baby/coffee/key juggling, and he doesn't want you to stop watering the jasmine he's just sad that he can't lift a hose... It's tragic. I believe it's a known condition of power walking, that's why many like to try and strap weights to their wrists to fight it as long as they can.

Have a little pity for NPWG if you can. Remember, he may not even have the arm strength to beat off anymore.

sybil law said...

Dude.
He's a POWER WALKER.
Automatically makes him a douche bag!
Also, he probably had a wedgie. A testicle wedgie.

Whit said...

I wasn't squinting, the sun was in my eyes. Man, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

Alan said...

Speaking of pissy...

You nearly made me wet myself! Well done, Mr. Holmes. Well done.

CroutonBoy said...

He's probably all clogged up because no chick will date a power-walker. Try jogging, you wuss!