Direction I'm Glad the Conversation Didn't Go - Number One
The Barber Shop. The Holmes sits getting his hair cut by The Barber Lady. Other customers are also getting their hairs cut by other barbers. The Holmes notices that The Barber Lady has a cut on her forearm.
HOLMES: (talking to himself, nobody else can hear him, real sneaky like) Hmm, looks like The Barber Lady has a cut on her forearm. Ouch. Wonder how that happened? Say! I could ask her how she got that nasty cut, and that could make for at least 30, 45 seconds of haircut chit-chat! Good thinking Holmes. (speaks so he can be heard) So uh, I can't help but notice you got yourself a cut on your arm there. How'd that happen?
BARBER LADY: Uh, yeah. I did it myself.
HOLMES: You...cut yourself?
BARBER LADY: Yes. I cut myself, okay? I took a blade and I sliced my skin open, okay? I like to cut myself so that I can feel pain outside and stop the pain on the inside. Okay?
HOLMES: Okay.
The Barber Lady shakes her head and gets back to work on The Holmes's hair. The Holmes maintains his silence.
The Barber Shop. The Holmes sits getting his hair cut by The Barber Lady. Other customers are also getting their hairs cut by other barbers. The Holmes notices that The Barber Lady has a cut on her forearm.
HOLMES: (talking to himself, nobody else can hear him, real sneaky like) Hmm, looks like The Barber Lady has a cut on her forearm. Ouch. Wonder how that happened? Say! I could ask her how she got that nasty cut, and that could make for at least 30, 45 seconds of haircut chit-chat! Good thinking Holmes. (speaks so he can be heard) So uh, I can't help but notice you got yourself a cut on your arm there. How'd that happen?
BARBER LADY: Uh, yeah. I did it myself.
HOLMES: You...cut yourself?
BARBER LADY: Yes. I cut myself, okay? I took a blade and I sliced my skin open, okay? I like to cut myself so that I can feel pain outside and stop the pain on the inside. Okay?
HOLMES: Okay.
The Barber Lady shakes her head and gets back to work on The Holmes's hair. The Holmes maintains his silence.
Direction I'm Glad the Conversation Didn't Go - Number Two
Same barbershop, same Holmes, same Barber Lady, same situation. Again, The Holmes notices the cut on The Barber Lady's forearm.
HOLMES: (talking to himself again) Hmm, it looks like The Barber Lady has a cut on her forearm. Say! I could ask her how she got that nasty cut...oh wait a minute. Maybe that's not such a good idea. You never know Holmes, she might have given herself that cut. On purpose. She might be a cutter. You know, one of those people who cuts themselves so they can feel pain on the outside and stop the pain on the inside? Do you really want to ask a cutter how they got a cut? But wait, don't cutters usually cut themselves in hidden places? Gosh, I don't know. Does she look like a cutter? Shit, I don't know what cutters look like. I don't know anything about cutters besides what I've seen in movies. I'm such a shitty person for not knowing more about cutters. Okay fuck it, I'll just ask her. (speaking to The Barber Lady) So uh, I couldn't help but notice you got a pretty nasty cut on your arm there.
BARBER LADY: Oh yeah, that was an accident with a pair of scissors.
HOLMES: Oh thank God! I was scared to ask you because I was afraid you might be one of those people who cuts themselves on purpose.
BARBER LADY: Oh, like a cutter?
HOLMES: Yeah, a cutter.
BARBER LADY: No, this was an accident. (Lifts shirt sleeve to reveal a series of evenly spaced cuts) These I did on purpose.
HOLMES: Oh.
Same barbershop, same Holmes, same Barber Lady, same situation. Again, The Holmes notices the cut on The Barber Lady's forearm.
HOLMES: (talking to himself again) Hmm, it looks like The Barber Lady has a cut on her forearm. Say! I could ask her how she got that nasty cut...oh wait a minute. Maybe that's not such a good idea. You never know Holmes, she might have given herself that cut. On purpose. She might be a cutter. You know, one of those people who cuts themselves so they can feel pain on the outside and stop the pain on the inside? Do you really want to ask a cutter how they got a cut? But wait, don't cutters usually cut themselves in hidden places? Gosh, I don't know. Does she look like a cutter? Shit, I don't know what cutters look like. I don't know anything about cutters besides what I've seen in movies. I'm such a shitty person for not knowing more about cutters. Okay fuck it, I'll just ask her. (speaking to The Barber Lady) So uh, I couldn't help but notice you got a pretty nasty cut on your arm there.
BARBER LADY: Oh yeah, that was an accident with a pair of scissors.
HOLMES: Oh thank God! I was scared to ask you because I was afraid you might be one of those people who cuts themselves on purpose.
BARBER LADY: Oh, like a cutter?
HOLMES: Yeah, a cutter.
BARBER LADY: No, this was an accident. (Lifts shirt sleeve to reveal a series of evenly spaced cuts) These I did on purpose.
HOLMES: Oh.
Direction I'm Glad the Conversation Didn't Go - Number Three
Same scenario.
HOLMES: (again talking to self) Hmm, looks like The Barber Lady has a cut on her forearm. I should ask her how she got that. She doesn't look like she's a cutter or anything. (out loud) Say, how'd you get that nasty cut?
BARBER LADY: Oh, I'm just a big klutz.
The Barber Lady accidentally cuts off The Holmes's ear. Blood squirts everywhere. The Holmes screams, The Barber Lady screams, and all the other people scream.
HOLMES: (talking to himself) Hmm, looks like The Barber Lady has a cut on her forearm. Ouch. Wonder how that happened? Say! I could ask her how she got that--
A thought cloud appears over The Holmes's head wherein the three previous scenarios play themselves out in fast-forward. When they're done, the thought cloud pops.
HOLMES: (out loud) So uh, how'd you get that cut on your arm?
BARBER LADY: Oh, my cat did that.
HOLMES: Ouch.
BARBER LADY: I was holding her and she got startled and she cut me.
The conversation continues. The Holmes counts himself thankful that he has not offended the sensibilities of a self-cutter or been injured by a klutz.
Same scenario.
HOLMES: (again talking to self) Hmm, looks like The Barber Lady has a cut on her forearm. I should ask her how she got that. She doesn't look like she's a cutter or anything. (out loud) Say, how'd you get that nasty cut?
BARBER LADY: Oh, I'm just a big klutz.
The Barber Lady accidentally cuts off The Holmes's ear. Blood squirts everywhere. The Holmes screams, The Barber Lady screams, and all the other people scream.
The Actual Conversation
The Barber Shop. The Holmes sits getting his hair cut by The Barber Lady. Other customers are also getting their hairs cut by other barbers. The Holmes notices that The Barber Lady has a cut on her forearm.HOLMES: (talking to himself) Hmm, looks like The Barber Lady has a cut on her forearm. Ouch. Wonder how that happened? Say! I could ask her how she got that--
A thought cloud appears over The Holmes's head wherein the three previous scenarios play themselves out in fast-forward. When they're done, the thought cloud pops.
HOLMES: (out loud) So uh, how'd you get that cut on your arm?
BARBER LADY: Oh, my cat did that.
HOLMES: Ouch.
BARBER LADY: I was holding her and she got startled and she cut me.
The conversation continues. The Holmes counts himself thankful that he has not offended the sensibilities of a self-cutter or been injured by a klutz.
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