Any number of weird thoughts can worm their way into your brain when it's getting late and the baby refuses to sleep. Tonight the little dude wouldn't even let us hold him, so we just let him run wild for a bit in hopes that he would tap out his energy reserves. In that time, I found myself trying to come up with a version of Rock-Paper-Scissors with vampires, zombies, and werewolves. I guess you'd call this game Vampire-Zombie-Werewolf. At first the whole idea struck me as ludicrous because we all know that in the real world, werewolves would RIP VAMPIRES AND ZOMBIES TO FUCKING SHREDS! AND THEN GO LISTEN TO SLAYER AND DRINK TONS OF BEER! AND THEN FUCK THEIR BRAINS OUT AND THEN EAT 100 POUNDS OF RAW BEEF WITH FRENCH FRIES AND A DIET COKE!! RAAAAARRRGGH!
But then I thought, for the sake of the game, perhaps I should figure out the rules for who beats who. And of course the first thing I had to figure out was, who beats werewolf? Again, not in reality (see above), just in the game. Neither option really seemed feasible. I mean really, a zombie defeating a werewolf? I think the fuck not. Unless....yes, that's a thought, thought I, unless the zombies fucking BORED the poor werewolf to death. The werewolf's all "Dude, c'mon, let's fucking fight, I don't wanna miss the Slayer concert" and the zombie's just shuffling his ass along all "RRRGGH, LOOK AT ME, I'M SO SCAAAARY" and the werewolf's just tapping his paw and looking at his watch and checking his Twitter feed on his phone and he sees that all his friends are already at the Slayer show throwing bottles at the opening band and tearing up stupid humans in the moshpit and he just dies. Right there on the spot, of boredom.
But then I thought, wouldn't it be awesome if zombies defeated vampires by way of malnutrition? Zombies have no blood, or if they do, it's dead blood, so no nourishment. If a vampire goes after the zombie hordes for its sustenance, motherfanger's gonna starve to death. Yeah, I like that.
So that means that zombies get taken down by werewolves, which really isn't much of a surprise, unless....yes, unless we're talking about your 28 Days crazy vicious super speedy zombies, in which case you actually have a real fight on your hands. But still, werewolves beat zombies via claws, teeth, and unreasonableness. Oh, and Slayer bumping in their iPod. Werewolves listen to their iPods when they fight.
Which leaves us with only the vampire vs werewolf matchup to deal with. Following the rock-paper-scissors triangle of defeat, we're left with the ridiculous conclusion that vampires somehow beat werewolves. Normally I'd laugh off such a stupid notion, but for the sake of the game, I thought I should at least try to find a path by which a vampire could theoretically win such a battle. Vampires are dicks, so maybe they pull some shit around the new moon when a werewolf could be said to be its weakest. But that's not really a battle. No, how about let's say a vampire manages to sink his teeth into a werewolf's flesh and gets a sip of its blood. Not only does the vampire get some calories, he gets a dose of crazy werewolf badassness, which when combined with the vampire's strength gives him the added boost necessary to come out on top. In this way, it could be said that the vampire only beats the werewolf because of the werewolf's own strength. The vampire wins, but only because of the superior strength of its opponent. A hollow victory indeed.
So there you have it. Zombie malnourishes vampire. Werewolf shreds zombie. And vampire drains werewolf and uses its own strength against it. What say you? Any flaws in my perfect logic?