Thursday, April 10, 2008

Loved Despite of Great Faults

In my quest for a title, I typed the world "fault" into the search bar of my iTunes, and only three songs came up, the first of which became the title of the post you see before you. I'd like to say it sums up the remainder of this post, but that would be a stretch. Still, I like it. Because really, any one who is loved by another is loved in spite of their faults, yeah?

I've figured a little something out about myself. I'm not a sports guy by any means, but I'm familiar with a superstition apparently common among baseball pitchers wherein if it looks like they may have a no-hitter in their immediate future, they won't talk about it, and they don't want their teammates to talk about it to them, a communal silence held intact by fear of The Mighty Jinx. As if giving breath to the looming possibility of something great is to ensure its certain demise. In some cases, I'm sure it's just an issue of maintaining focus and concentration, but come on; we all know sports are as riddled with superstitions as a back-porch conversation between old southerners.

As much as I hate to admit it, I think I carry something akin to this sort of jinx-based superstition deep within me. I am afraid to talk very much about a good thing that looks like it might happen, for fear that it won't. But it's not so much that I'm afraid of jinxing it. It's more that I dread the idea of getting my hopes up, of exciting others with my news, only to have to come back later with a disappointing update. And to dig a bit deeper than that, it's not the sharing of bad news that makes me cringe, but rather the thought of how that bad news reflects back upon me.

I absolutely do not believe that the only reason bad things happen to people is because they somehow deserve it. Sure, sometimes people bring shit on themselves, but when you start saying things like, oh I don't know, that an entire city was leveled by a hurricane because the people who live there were BAD, well then you're an idiot. And you're stupid. A stupid idiot. Oh, and mean. A mean stupid idiot bad person. Who will be punished! Oh wait, uh...

But all that aside, it seems that somewhere along the way, probably very early on, I internalized the idea that bad things happen to people solely as a result, be it direct or indirect, of their own moral wrongdoings. I don't believe it consciously, but below the surface, there it is, a completely unfounded unfair untrue wrong hateful judgmental proven-wrong-a-billion-times-over idea. Perhaps it was some of the hellfire and brimstone brand of religion that I was exposed to as a boy, the kind that sees sin and damnation in even the most beautiful that life has to offer. Plus I grew up in a family that routinely discussed a variety of superstitions, most of which seemed to call out strange events as the results of even stranger, seemingly unlinked actions. Like for example, if both of your shoes were untied, it meant that you'd either been telling lies or peeing in the road.

Whatever the cause, it seems that I have become a person who is hesitant to discuss good things that might happen, things that might go my way for fear that, if they don't, that if the scales tip the other way, then it will become apparent to all that I must have failed somehow. Whatever bad news I have will be a great big giant banner proclaiming to the world that I must have done something wrong to place myself in a position out of favor with the cosmos.

Which is just fucking stupid.

So in a challenge to these foolish little superstitions of mine, and in an attempt to pry them loose from that which makes up myself, I'm going to talk about the good news that just might happen for us. It's actually a pretty certain thing at this point, but the final bits of paperwork haven't been signed yet. I'm referring, of course, to the house we're buying. The link is to my wife's blog where she posted about this a few days ago. Even though the news has been out there for a little while, and many of you who know us in the flesh are already aware of this, I still get this giddy risk-taking feeling by putting this out there. Which is okay with me. But yes, we're buying a house, one that we've fallen absolutely in love with, one which meets all of our requirements, and falls well within our budget.

Like I said, it's a pretty certain thing at this point. But more importantly, it feels good to challenge this notion of mine that when things don't go my way, it's some indicator that I'm a failure and now everybody knows so cue the pointing and laughing. If you must point and laugh, do so because my fly is open, which of course is a sure sign that I've either been stealing fruit out of the farmer's orchard or playing with matches.

8 comments:

Whit said...

Hey, that's great. Am I allowed to say congratulations at this point?

yer mama said...

Well damn, now I feel nervous!

Tim said...

Are those real superstitions? 'Cause I really like the fact that there are two possible causes.

sybil law said...

What were you doing in the farmer's orchard? Were there sheep there? Is that why the fly is open?!
Hahahahahaha
No - I think it's awesome about the house!!! (I am bad and have not gone by your wife's blog in ages. I have been a reluctant blogger for a bit!) I hope you guys get it.
And if for whatever reason you don't, well - I don't think of terms like you did something wrong. I am more of less of the thought like, "This wasn't the time". In my own personal beliefs, I believe that God wants us to be happy. I believe that he wants us to do things his way, is all. ANd sometimes, when you think about the commandments, it's probably all right. Only we're humans, and we fuck up continually. But in my mind, God is patient - not vengeful. Bad things happen to people sometimes just because, but I don't believe that's an act of anything other than whatever - life sucks sometimes.
Maybe I should copy and paste this to my own blog, because I am on a roll..
Thanks! Good luck. It'll be fine, either way...

Keith said...

I can totally relate. People tell me congratulations for something and I tell them that we'll see how it plays out (I almost never say thank you). But I have a pretty solid track record of things not working out as planned, so I think my hesitation about all-things-good is well founded.

That said - enjoy the new house! It sounds great.

Scout's Honor said...

Congrats! Buying houses are always scary. But, it's so worth it.

Crossing my fingers and toes for you. I believe good things happen to good people.

See, optimist. I know, I know. shocking in a Republican, eh?

Bubblewench said...

That is awesome. I know you're all scared and nervous and stuff, but that's just normal.

Do you know deep down in your soul that this is YOUR HOUSE? Then it is yours and will be yours.

yer mama said...

Bubblewench,

I had that feeling as soon as I saw the house from the street. I knew it was our house.