Sunday, July 15, 2007

Dispatches from the Holmesfront

Blurbs of a random flavor.

These are the things that occur to me
I think it would be really cool if Wu-Tang would take a sample from the show "Deadwood" from any one of the thousands of instances where Al Swearengen says "Fucking Wu!" and then use it in a song. My apologies to those of you who are not familiar with "Deadwood" and/or the Wu-Tang Clan, but you can trust me that it's a really great suggestion.

Fucked Statements: Statements Which Are Fucked
One should refrain from making statements structured according to the following pattern: "I'm not [blank], but [blankety-blank-blank]" where blank = a label or descriptor, often of a negative nature, and blankety-blank-blank = a declaration that clearly indicates that the speaker is in fact what they disclaimed to be in the first portion of the sentence. Examples:

"I'm not a prude, but when I'm in a crowded public place, it sometimes occurs to me that every person I see has genitals and I get so upset that I have to sit down!"

"I'm not a racist, but I sure liked this neighborhood a lot more before those people moved in."

"I'm not an especially vulgar person, but motherfuck this cocksucking son of shit."

To prevent such inconsistencies, one should consider one's disclaimers before appending them to the beginning of any statement. If any incongruities are detected, one should remove the disclaimer before speaking, and simply accept the fact that one is what they would perhaps wish not to be.

The E is for Electronic
An old friend from college whom I've not seen or heard from in over a decade found me recently. Since then we've been emailing back and forth, and it struck me as interesting and kind of cool that we were communicating through a medium that was hardly even on my radar the last time he and I spoke, which in the grand scheme of things was not that long ago, but in technology terms was eons ago. Trippy.

Helper Toddler is Helping
Henry seems to be big on housework these days. His latest thing is loading and unloading the washing machine, a task which seems to bring him enormous pleasure. He'd love to try his hand at the dishwasher, but we keep him away from that for now since we can't afford to replace all of our dishes. Soon enough though. Perhaps he'll be like David Sedaris and ask for name brand appliances at all gift-giving occasions. Then he'll grow up to write fabulously hilarious stories about his childhood and growing up with his quirky but lovable parental units.

I are tawk funny sumtim

I am beginning to believe that regular viewings of ICanHasCheezBurger may be having detrimental effects on my command of the English language. Sitting in a meeting at work the other day, someone made a suggestion that I really liked, and the thought that passed through my mind was "dat am da ossumest ideeyuh evr!" Fortunately, I was able to translate it into something coherent before I opened my mouth.


Whit said...

While everything you wrote is spot on and entertaining as always, you've especially got me excited about the Wu idea. Good call.

I'm usually not a Wu fan, but I saw them on the Chapelle show and enjoyed their skit.

CamiKaos said...

Last night My husband K and I were walking around our neighborhood on our way to pick up a pizza when K said "Daddy, I'm not trying to be mean but...." at which point I interuppted her and said "sweetie, nothing good is going to come from what comes out of your mouth next" She assured me it was fine and then continued "I don't want to sound mean but you don't look good AT ALL without your glasses on"

Disclaimers are not a friend. Even when you are 5.

Sizzle said...

picturing henry as david sedaris with a vacuum is cracking me up. oh kids!

Jason said...

Yeah, I've got a bone to pick with those statements that begin with a disclaimer. It's like people totally do whatever they're trying to excuse. Or 'I don't mean to interrupt...' but they are. I'd rather they interrupt and cut the BS.

Dana said...

When Henry is done at your house, you could send him my way. I could really use a hand with my laundry!