So the Holmes herd dropped into Sears the other night to pick up their family portraits that had been sitting there unclaimed for over a week. We had other priorities. Not to go off on a tangent, but I'm never giving that damn place any photo business again. I'm sure there are plenty of perfectly qualified portraiture professionals in the employ of Sears, but none of them were on hand the day we came in to get our mugshots. In fact, I don't think a single employee present that morning was over the age of 17. Our photographer showed up in a letter jacket.
Oops, looks like I went off on a tangent.
So back to my story. Right outside the portrait studio was this little toy display they'd tossed up in preparation for the coming Christmas toy binge. Get the little ones thinking about what Santa Claus had better bring if he knows what's good for his fat ass. And amidst the toy power tools and the toy mastodons with cool mastodon roaring sounds and of course the toy military crap...okay not to go off on another tangent, and I know I had toy tanks and guns and soldiers when I was a kid, but doesn't it seem particularly twisted to make toy versions of the implements of war when we're in the middle of wartime? Or is that just me not supporting the troops again? I hate it when I don't support the troops!
But ANYWAY, amidst all the other toys, I spotted this:
Look closely friends, but don't try to make too much sense of it, for what you are seeing is none other than a Star Wars Transformer. Let's see if I can explain this shit without the computer exploding. The one on top is Han Solo, and the one below is Chewbacca, and they both, um, transform into the Millenium Falcon, the ship that they both, uh, piloted together. Except now they each actually like, are the ship. They're like, some kinda cyborgs now I guess?
I'm not gonna lie to you folks, I had a really bad reaction when I encountered this idiotic toy. In the middle of Sears, I involuntarily shouted "This is bullshit!" No, you know what? Now that I think about it, I didn't even say the word "bullshit", I actually think I used the term "bullcrap." You know, the way a kid who looks like this might say it:
You know, like "Thith ith bullcrap!" By the way, that's Bill Haverchuck from the awesome show Freaks and Geeks. And even though Bill lives in a pre-Transformers world, I guarantee that he'd call bullcrap on this Star Wars Transformers nonsense in a heartbeat. Like me, he would be utterly offended, OFFENDED I TELL YOU, at the idea of this ridiculous combination. I don't like the idea of my son growing up in world where Star Wars and Transformers have been morphed together into some kind of Island of Dr. Moreau experiment.