Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Auto Bio

So you may already know this if you follow me on Twitter or Facebook (funny how the old blog's always the last to know), but I've got a new writing gig over at MamaPop, which is nifty because it gives me an excuse to write about stuff that I often think about and ramble about, but rarely bother to write about. My first post went up today, a little story about a little conversation about the show that makes me laugh harder than any other in recent memory. Go, check it out, enjoy.

On top of that, I also managed to get a post in today at DadCentric. Oddly enough, it's also about a TV show -- two of them, in fact. I'm just all over the damn place.

And on top of all that, now I'm writing THIS post! Holy shit!

For both of these sites, I was asked to write a bio, a little something something about mahself for those readers who just got-ta got-ta know more about the man behind all this brilliance. Truth be told, I hate writing these things. I've had to write them for damn near every play I've ever been involved in and I never know what the hell to say. My friend Brandon, on the other hand, can write a bio like nobody's business, even if he hardly knows anything about the person he's biographizing. I've seen many a cast and crew member outsource their bio-writing duties to this clever fellow.

When it came time to hand in something for my DadCentric bio, I decided to see what Brandon would come up with. He did not disappoint:

Travis "The" Holmes is the father of two hilarious young boys. The oldest, Henry, has mastered a dead perfect Redd Foxx impression while the youngest, Simon, can play "House of the Rising Sun" on his father's banjo despite the fact that he is barely a year old. Travis is married to Governor Rick Perry's personal assistant, a lovely young woman known in some circles as Ashley and in others as Agent 434. Travis himself is an enigma. Some records indicate he was raised by inmates in a Texas state prison, hidden from the guards for eighteen years and groomed to lead the prisoners to freedom in a bloody December revolt known as Snow Day (The Kind Of Snow That Is Bloody). Other records claim he is actually the world-famous Peruvian stand-up comedian Perla Santiago. They claim she obtained gender reassignment surgery in Monaco twelve years ago in order to escape political persecution in her home country after making one too many ill-timed Sesame Street jokes. His past may be shrouded in mystery, but his present is undisputed - loving husband, devoted father, and champion chinchilla trainer, Travis Holmes is the guy your wife wishes she had married instead of you.
You see? Fact and fiction, artfully blended.

When it came time to come up with something bio-ey for MamaPop, I considered crawling back to Brandon once again, but I decided that as much as I love his work, I really should suck it up and give this a shot myself. Here's what I managed:
The Holmes is a remarkably handsome fellow living in Austin, Texas. This “pop culture” thing that you people are always going on about is something of a mystery to him; all he knows is that he likes his music loud and he likes it nonstop. He disagrees most violently with the assertion that a big-legged woman ain’t got no soul, for he has seen her soul and it is most glorious...or perhaps there’s been a misunderstanding caused by the use of double-negatives. It wouldn’t be the first time. He’s been known to rap about killing people, but only in the comfort of his station wagon after the kids are dropped safely at daycare. He firmly believes werewolves to be the most superior of the undead creatures and will gladly debate anyone who disagrees because this stuff is important. Due to a complete inability to feel guilt, he has no guilty pleasures -- only pleasures. He once wrote a play inspired by his love for Liz Phair, but she wouldn’t agree to be in it and then things between them got complicated. He writes about being a dad and various dad-related minutia over at DadCentric. He’s got himself a wife, two little boys, the best dog in the world, a coop full of chickens, and a tank full of fish.
Mostly fact, tiny hints of fiction, all of it true.


Cheryl said...

Dammit, I thought you wrote the DadCentric bio yourself. Some mysteries of life should never be revealed.

You did a dandy banged-up version all by your sweet little self for MamaPop and I couldn't be prouder of you than I am right now. Beaming with pride over here on the other side of the country.

Bubblewench said...

I like them both! So true. :)

sybil law said...

Well done, werewolf lover. Well done.

TwoBusy said...

Chickens eat the fish; dog eats the chicken; you, your wife and boys eat the dog; werewolves eat you all.

Behold: The Holmes Food Chain.