Wednesday, February 13, 2008

I can't do anything right

So the most accurate way to phrase it is just to say that I've been in a shitass mood lately. That's right, shitass. This shitass mood is, of course, compounded by the guilt I feel over being in a shitass mood in the first place. "You've got a brand-spankin' new baby boy," I tell myself, "an amazing two year old, a beautiful, wonderful, loving wife. You got every reason in the world to be happy, ecstatic even, walking on air...so WTF, Self?" In response, I simply scowl back at myself, and go get another cup of coffee.

It's a chicken vs. egg question, in some ways. This mood, it almost feels like all sense of selflessness, of caring for others, hell, of love is drained out of me, like I got nothing to give. But of course, I've got people relying on me to be able to give, so there's no getting out of it. So I end up feeling resentful, selfish angry, etc., followed by guilt for feeling that way and for being a jackass towards the people I'm supposed to love the most. I haven't been patient, I haven't been kind, I haven't been slow to anger.

But of course I do love my family. It's just been difficult to, I don't know, act like it. I wish I could chalk it all up to being tired, but I've a feeling that doesn't quite cover it. Or maybe it does and I'm making a big stink over nothing. There's this ideal version of me who lives in that part of my imagination where I dream up all all things ideal. That guy is relaxed. That guy isn't fazed by much. That guy is not only willing, but happy to drop everything when he's needed. That guy is able to live in the moment, and is okay with whatever life throws at him. That guy doesn't ask the world to make him ecstatically happy, but is content with, well, being content.

Unfortunately for all involved, I'm soooo not that guy. At least not these days. I've been that guy before, but lately I'm my own antithesis. And that knowledge just seems to upset me more.

Oh yeah, and then there's this whole crisis of faith thing. I've never been totally set on what I believe about God and the divine, but as of late I'm starting to wonder if there's anything to believe in at all. I've heard it said by many people that they envy people of faith for their certainty, a notion which I've always sort of laughed at since my own faith has never been certain at all. It's an endless stream of questions and doubt, wondering and contradicting, and in fact, I find lately that I actually envy atheists for, what seems to me, their certainty about things, or at least the ability not to be bugged by all these goddamn questions. But of course, I'm totally oversimplifying that position. Anyway, it oughtta make next semester at seminary, um, interesting.

So yeah, shitass mood lately. I'm going to post this without proofreading it and then go try to make up for it a little by rubbing my wife's feet.

16 comments:

CamiKaos said...

may I compound your troubles? No? You don't want me to?

I wish I didn't have to but... your my blog log keeps showing up OVER your post.

I hope I am the only one this is happening to.... but I thought I should give you a heads up... oh and that's in FireFox but not explorer.

Dan said...

I can identify with how you feel. I went through a similar experience. It could be a coincidence but it was around the same time after Evan's birth.

I don't know why it came to an end, but it did. My advice is go to bed earlier and make sure you eat right. You would be amazed how effective looking after yourself physically is for looking after yourself mentally.

Jason said...

Sorry about the crappy mood. I've been that way a little lately and it sucks to be 'th dink', but we've got a newborn too, so I'm blaming sleep deprivation.

Sounds like you need to blow off some steam, the weight of your responsibilities just got heavier and you've probably got less free time. Listen to some RATM, helps me when I'm frustrated.

MetroDad said...

We all go through these phases in life and we sometimes need time to sort it all out. I have no worries that you'll get over this slump. You're intelligent and self-aware, two great tools in dealing with issues like this.

Personally, I've always found that taking a few days to escape for myself and get some personal time always helps me out a little. Not sure if that's possible with a newborn. Anyway, best of luck to you.

Tim said...

I know we're not supposed to acknowledge it, but post-partum depression in men is real. It might be the brain chemicals screwing you over.
I had this a lot with Stella. When I couldn't soothe her or I wasn't just having the most perfect time with her it felt like my ability and desire to do anything was just being sucked out, and then I'd spend the rest of the day completely drained and unable to be happy about anything.

yer mama said...

I'm with Tim on this one...I think you got the PPD this time.

Rattling The Kettle said...

I second Dan and Pierre.

Oh, and, hey, it's Valentine's Day. Ask your wife for a little somethin'-somethin' to make you feel better. That always works for me. :-)

Julie said...

Um, Rattling the Kettle, that's a brilliant idea, but his wife is just a few weeks post-partum, so that might not work for her...

Perhaps get out for a night with your friends? That always helps me!

Trix. (whit's wife) said...

I am going to comment by saying that Whit was the same way when Zane was born, this was compounded by Zane having colic. Our house was not a very happy place for a while. It's hard because I felt an overwhelming need to be away for even 5 minutes to just think about me . Not to put out the light at the end of the tunnel but for me it's taken a while (2 years, his 2nd birthday is tomorrow) It gets better with the 2nd one. This too shall pass.

Whit said...

Dude, my wife is full of shit. I was never in a shitass mood.

Yeah, it's like coming down off a big high, even though the best is still to come- and you know it is.

As for the faith issue. I think about it often and I'm agnostic- I will say that I did feel a certain release when I accepted my feelings on the matter. Plus, it made it much easier to make fun of people more righteous than myself.

Hang in there (try not to think of a kitten on a branch when you read that).

sybil law said...

Well, shitass, I think you sound incredibly awesome just for rubbing your wife's feet! Seriously.
Also, at least here, I find when I get super shitty I need some sunshine. I need some time alone, even if that's just reading a book and not being bothered.
Which is of course not convenient for you now, but maybe in bits and pieces?
Oh - and more good news! I do not have the problem Cami is having with the blogroll, and I did not see any mistakes even with your non proofreading.
If I send you some nunchuks, will that help?! ;)
Oh and Rage sounds good, too. With lots of alcohol. A good drunken night out.

Bubblewench said...

I hear ya Holmes. I get there too, and it's hard to get out of it sometimes.

Best of luck and I hope you feel better soon.

Seminary WILL be VERY interesting next semester!!

Summer said...

One of my favorite quotes is from Stephen Roberts: "I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours". I'm an atheist and my husband is not. I look at the quote as a way of explaining my disbelief. He looks at is as explaining how he manages to find something special and personal in his God that he doesn't see in anyone else's.

Just a possible meditation that may distract you from the dismal. Hang in there! :)

Allen said...

I don't have anything particularly enlightening to say, but I do appreciate your complete honesty here. Hopefully someone's already said something quite helpful or such. Anyway it's been a long time...seminary??

Hopin for the best to ya

Allen
Down with PPD!

Jeff said...

Sorry I missed this post, I've been busy all week. Nothing to add here either except that I wish you luck with your struggles. I'm guessing it's pretty stressful being in the seminary AND have questions about your faith at the same time. I'll keep you in my thoughts. I'm with everyone else in that things will probably lighten up once the baby sleeps a little more - and SUMMER COMES!

Life As I Know It said...

Sleep deprivation makes everything 100x worse. It distorts reality.
Hoping you get a good night's sleep soon.
Everyone has periods of melancholy. I think it's an opportunity to be reflective and to think about your life. If we were happy all the time there would be no great artists or philosophers. Try and use the sadness to your advantage. It, like everything else in life, will pass.
Good luck!